The Funny Times is a tabloid newspaper published monthly and full of cartoons (political and otherwise) and comic essays, along with other nifty things such as “News of the Weird” and “Harper’s Index.” I highly recommend it. And if enough people keep subscribing, they’ll keep publishing and I’ll be able to keep reading.
One of my favorite regular features is the “Curmudgeon” column by Jon Winokur, which lists quotes on a different topic each month. A couple of examples from a recent issue having to do with insects:
- I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, “Whoa, I’m way too high!” — Bruce Baum
- Some women think that any aerosol can kill a bug. My wife says, “Deodorant! Use that! I’ve killed bugs with deodorant!” Try killing a monster with deodorant. It’s not easy, and all I could find was roll-on. — Ray Romano
In the 2016 June issue former medical transcriptionist M.K. Wolfe wrote about experience using an automatic voice recognition system that would take a first crack at transcribing the doctor’s words, after which a human would clean it up, because the software was not exactly perfect. Here, for example, are actual automated transcriptions, which the author swears are real:
|AS DICTATED BY THE DOCTOR||AS TRANSCRIBED BY THE SOFTWARE|
|His girlfriend told us …||His neural foreman told us …|
|Both of his parents are alive and fairly well.||Both of his calves are alive and fairly well.|
|The patient was discharged to Eden Springs.||The patient was discharged to eat his brain.|
|The patient was prescribed Dexilant.||The patient was prescribed Dixieland.|
|Dr. J removed her pins.||Dr. J removed her pants.|
|The patient was accompanied by his spouse.||The patient was accompanied by his bowels.|
|The wound was dressed with antibiotic ointment.||The wound was dressed with antibiotic vomit.|
|… history of hepatitis B virus infection …||… history of up his beavers infection …|
|I also added Coreg …||I also added cornbread …|
|… referred for medical workup …||… referred for metal pole workup …|
|… with hep C …||… with Pepsi …|
|The pain only occurs on eating.||The pain only occurs on the 18th.|
|The patient had a biopsy of his rectum.||The patient had a biopsy of his raccoon.|
A few items from Roz Warren’s The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweests as excerpted in The Funny Times:
- 4yo said he went potty, and I asked if it was Number 1 or 2. He said Number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
- Me: Do you know why I took your toy away? 5yo: You don’t know?
- In a dinner discussion about what we should grow if we had a garden, my 4yo suggested “Some balls.”
- The 4yo saw picture of me pregnant. I explained she was inside me. She thought about it a bit, then said, “I never want to do that again.”
- The baby gets furious if I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.
- A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
- 7yo just stomped out yelling, “Download me a new book!” New tantrums for a new generation.